I took a break for the last month and a half from this blog, but I am hopeful to start writing again. During the last two months, I have really focused on relaxing as much as possible, when I’m not working. It’s amazing to me how difficult this can be, knowing how and when to balance work and rest. I still feel like I am being lazy when I spend some of my weekends watching movies and spending quality time with loved ones. I have to keep telling myself it’s okay.
I was talking to a career mentor of mine recently. She asked how I was doing, and I answered that I’m really focused on not pushing myself to work too hard these days. That I have spent my life being so achievement-oriented all the time, and it’s hard to take off the brakes from that. I want to be okay with being “good enough” at my job, not over-excelling. But then, I find myself trying to be the “BEST” at being “good enough”… ::sigh:: It’s going to be a difficult habit for me to break.
Habits, in general, can be difficult to break and also difficult to begin. For example, right now, I am trying to get back into exercising again. I want to make it a habit. It USED to be a habit for me. From 2014 until 2020, I exercised 4-6 days a week, without fail. I followed my exercise schedule EXACTLY. Even if I was sick that day, I would still get myself dressed and go into my exercise room in my home and do some stretches, just move my body a little. People sometimes asked me how I could be so diligent. I answered that it was simple – I just made it “not an option” to NOT exercise. Just like brushing my teeth, exercise was part of my regular ritual. “Not feeling like exercising today” simply was not something that I could even consider.
I was so obsessive about my need to exercise that I did not understand people who did not do it. For me, it was a necessity to my mental and emotional well-being. I remember, once, I was careless and tripped and almost fell down the stairs at my home, and while I fortunately did not hurt myself, I ALMOST hurt myself badly. And the only thing that passed through my mind after was, “OMG – what if I had gotten hurt and then couldn’t exercise for a while? That would be HORRIBLE.”
But that was back then. This is now. And once 2020 hit, exercise took a back seat in my life. Despite the fact that I didn’t have the excuse that my gym was closed. My gym is IN MY HOME. I occasionally exercised, maybe 2-3 times a week, but not intensely, just barely going through the motions. And then in 2021, things got worse. I still sometimes exercised, but it was random. I told myself that I needed to focus more on being gentle with myself, not pushing myself so much. And so exercise was no longer a habit.
I’m trying to make it a habit again, and it confuses me why it is so difficult. I know in my head that our bodies are built to move, that our physical vessels do need regular movement to optimally function. I know how good I used to feel after exercising. And yet, I sit here in my chair all day long sitting at a desk looking at a computer and working. And writing about how I really need to exercise. What the hell.
Well, I’m determined to make it a habit again, eventually. But I will be gentle with myself if it takes me some time to get there.