Seeking self-compassion

I posted on my life advice website this month about Brene Brown’s 10 guideposts of wholehearted living. It’s a great list of guideposts. I have had this list posted on my wall, right next to my desk, for months now. I look at it every day. But damn, is it so hard to follow sometimes. As much as I want to. As much as I know that it is important. 

I think the hardest one for me these days is cultivating self-compassion. I’ve finally realized, in the last couple of years, that I am extremely hard on myself. And that is an understatement. I didn’t fully appreciate this before, back when my life was turning out the way that I had expected, back when my marriage was still intact and my original job path had been followed exactly according to my plan. When life went according to my plan, I had no idea that I judged myself in ways that were extremely detrimental to my well-being. I was oblivious. And so it has only been in the last two years, when I have felt lost and confused more often than not, that it has become so clear to me that I am insanely judgmental of myself. I beat myself up for making even minor everyday mistakes in my life. 

I know that self-compassion is important, and I’ve been trying to cultivate it. But just because I can think in my head that I need to have self-compassion does not mean that my heart feels it. And what is ironic, then, is that I get even more upset at myself for not being self-compassionate enough. Yeah, that kind of thinking is the very opposite of what I should be experiencing. But, it’s a process, and so I’m going to do my best to forgive myself for not having enough self-compassion. I think that if I can forgive myself for this, then I will be on my way to actually cultivating more forgiveness of myself for everything else. It’s a process, a life journey, I suppose.

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